Enthusiasm (Or The Lack Thereof)

So far, so not too great. My current job is throwing hours at me left and right and honestly it's depressing. So much I want to accomplish. So many goals. I was recently started on two medications Adderall and Xanax. Of course I can't afford it so I only have a little bit left so financially not too stable at the moment. Along with rent, sigh. That's not what this blog is about. Of course with my brain going in a thousand directions at a time I have a million projects I'm working on. I need to learn how to manage my time so much better. My fiancee and I (you can go check out her blog at http://kuriouserkate.blogspot.com/ if you haven't yet) have started a documentary. It's simply about everything. It's about two people who are fighting mental illness and trying to make it as a couple in an economy that's doing fairly terrible. It's about the struggles of creative minds and the struggles against the society that contains us but gives us what we need. It's about you. It's about me. It's a story about everyone. With art thrown in. I've all ready gotten several hours of footage but it's not enough. I haven't given up writing. It was a challenge I tried to live up to but couldn't. It won't stop me from writing. In fact I'm posting up a story at the end of this that I started working on. It's essentially the life I would love to see myself in.

Depression sucks you know? I have so much I want to go but it all seems so out of reach. So far away. I know it's not. I know it's right there but... I don't know. It's all most like the Adderall is helping with me focusing and coping with my emotions, but it's unlocking all the doors that I binded with demons inside and now until I can fight them off this is something I suppose I need to contend with. I need talk therapy but again there's the finances. Shit. This sucks. Sorry to be so depressing. I just feel a hole I suppose. I beat Silent Hil 2 with my girl last night, she loved it. Silent Hill is my favorite series of all time. Contrary to popular belief Homecoming WAS GOOD. Hopefully the next game will be too (and I'll have a PS3  by then hahaha) and the lack of playing Shattered memories is upsetting. I guess that's all I can say without reiterating everything. So here's part of a story I was working on. At some point I'll start posting the art series I've been working on. Hope everyone else is doing well out there.

BTW listening to the Protomen. If you're a fan of Megaman and/or really awesome concept albums you need to check them out.

HAHAHA Best part of all I can't find it (the story I was going to post). So I'll just post another story I wrote a while ago. I think it's finished. Not sure. But here it is anyway:

The headstone was cold. There really wasn't any other way a headstone could be. Even during a hummid summer in which children would need to go to swimming holes to cool off, the headstones would be the coolest thing too touch.

Of course now kids' wouldn't be in swimming holes. They would be barely outside enjoying the weather that the cemetary was set in. The crisp autumn sky called for him to be wearing a jacket. It was poetic in a way how it flapped in the wind. He wasn't even sure why he was wearing that jacket. It wasn't as if his health mattered to him any longer. Looking up at the cold gray sky made him sigh as he touched the gravestone and slowly walked away.

Memories flooded his mind as he began walking down the neatly filed rows of poor forgotten souls. None of which he wanted to hold on to, so he did the only thing he knew how. He ran. He started running. The only thing being left behind were tear drops.

The old marbleyard seemed to go on forever as he continued to run. No matter how much he pushed himself he could not escape the heart break and sadness that would be forever present in his heart. He looked up at the sky while catching his breathe and it was then the first snowfall of the season began. A single snowflake landed on his nose. Soon the green landscapes and baren trees would be complimented then hidden by white powder. He turned around for a moment.

He saw two young smiling faces. Two children playing enjoying the snow. His mind recalled how the two escaped their fate of being trapped nameless and penniless elsewhere. How through hard work, determination, and most of all love, they were able to escape a fate that would be much worse then death. He saw the two children playing. He knew what lay ahead for them, a reality full of heartbreak and distress. A lifetime o sorrow.

He carried on as one of the children, the girl, ran up to him with a flower. The child with a smile said it was from her. She then ran back to the boy who looked at her inquistively and she just smiled and they started playing again.

He couldn't move. He fell to his knees and cried. It was a blue orchid. It was their flower. He knew it was more then just a little girl being nice. He walked through the gravestones feeling each one. Knowing he would never hold her again, he also knew she gave him what he needed to survive and keep living, it's what she would want him to do.

He left the gates of the sanctuary and got in nhis car. He turned the engine on and for a moment it didn't start. It was enough time to make him realize the snow had melted. In the same way the spring would arrive and bring life to the earth. In that very same way those children who would face a harsh reality, also had the ability to follow and achieve their dreams. Just like he did with her. Soon th engine turned on and he was on his way. At the very leaast, he told himself, he could make her proud and she no longer had to suffer. He also knew it would be soon enough before they were together again. He would just have to use the tools and the knowledge she shared with him to survive through it. And he would and along the way she smiled upon him and his way.