The blue skies where obnoxious when he awoke out of his camper. It was all most a tease like the heavens going “Hey humanity, good job down there screwing things up for yourselves, as for us up here we’re just fine!”. He knew someone or thing was mocking him. So he just muttered under his breath “bastards.” It wasn’t that anything was purposefully mocking him as much as humanity just played a terrible practical joke on itself and he was the only one to catch the aftermath of a really dubious trick.
He sighed heavily wondering why he even woke up. It had been three months since things went to shit. All most literally in fact, since at the time of death people release their bowels. Fortunately there would be all most no one to complain about the stench. Except him. He just lowered his head and thought sporadically about how it would be much better to have died with the rest and had to deal with an eternity of soiled garments instead of being alone for the next couple of decades.
It was the apocalypse all right. Well would have been if there was some massive biblical war and all of humanity had been either “saved” or wiped out. He just continued cursing at random thoughts such as the fact that what had happened couldn’t have been the apocalypse because then not even he would be left. He then went on to curse at all most everything he came across. He became really talented at “tastefully” displaying his frustration towards the remnants of the earth (seriously after the first month of being the only human left alive things start getting boring and you spend time looking at dictionary for words that sound dirty or they could be used in such a way, remember kids if for no other reason then that, learning is fun). Or at least the society that had fallen.
So at this point avid reader, you’re probably wondering what happened to the earth. Well if you’re reading this then the good news is that the nukes weren’t launched yet and you’re still alive. The bad news is, well… you’re probably don’t have much longer anyway. Simply, much to the chagrin of me the narrator who is relating to you these facts (where I got them is through my own means, just know this story is true and takes place in the near future), the world did not end in a zombie outbreak. Nor did velociraptors come back to life and start hunting down humans. No aliens, mutants, or even killer penguins. Just a virus. A virus strapped to the back of a nuke. Which automatically puts it in the top ten ways for the world to end. No matter the case, it seems that North Korea, being the crazy bastards they are, decided to test their nuclear armaments. On South Korea. So the US all ready looking for another excuse to deploy more troops and spend money and go into greater debt, inadvertently starts WW3. There’s a slight problem though, it seems the US’s arrogance caused them a little issue with having quite a number of enemies. So now Russia and China are looking to become the new super power while North Korea is somehow going even more batshit insane. Oh yea and then there’s the crazy American right wingers that, because of martial law, start hunting down the only people with some sort of intelligence in America. So that’s right, not only is World War 3 going on but America has another civil war on its hands. So just like any great country, what does the US do? Nuke the shit out of itself (hey kids it is 2012 blame your parents for not re-electing Obama and voting in another backward ass republican).
That’s not the end of the story though. Some scientists get together and break the human genome. Which took way longer then it should have (just like all other major political and scientific breakthroughs it was delayed by our right wing friends). It turns out that the looney patriots (who where pissed and actually cited treason against the US during the Obama admistration all because they didn’t want their richer counterparts paying an extra dollar in taxes each year to support universal health care and would have bitched and moaned about people not supporting Bush for the Iraq was) were right about America being a dominant race and culture. So dominant in fact that something evolved in Americans that caused a special gene to be present. And no, obesity was not found as a genetic disorder. Strangely enough attraction to midgets and donkeys was found, besides point. So using this incredible data, the scientists (sick of the US’s stupid endeavors along with the rest of the world) created a virus that would attack only Americans. However, the lack of “willing” participants in research of the virus caused a major screw up. Someone forgot to first make it a painless death and two MAKE IT SO ONLY AMERICANS WERE INFECTED. So obviously the guys responsible did the only things that men of their position and stature could. They blamed some else they never met before. After the most severe egging in the history of the world (at this point egging was the only way to deal punishment for severe crimes since every other resource went to the war) the man went into seclusion watching and praying the world would end. If you’ve never been severely egged then you wouldn’t understand this man’s hatred for the world. It was unfortunate for the eggee that the scientists managed to destroy all samples of the virus before strapping it to the back of a nuke and launching it. Since viral research labs are a pain to break into and all most impervious to allowing diseases to escape everyone took a sigh of relief before returning to horrible massacre each other. Of course I wouldn’t be here telling you this grim future unless something terrible had happened. Which, of course it did (since humanity is full of, you know, ASSHOLES). As it would seem there are people who like money, people who like vast amounts of dead people, and people who like a combination of the two, a sample of the virus was scavenged (read: demanded for exchange of not nuking the absolute loving holy mother of fuck out of everything within a 50 mile radius). Someone however failed too mention to the US (er I mean, the terrorists) that the virus would be impervious to damn near everything and wipe out humanity. Unless of course you’re the unluckiest guy in the world who just happened to have the one and only DNA set that would actually prevent the virus from infection (he did get a head cold though) was chilling in his room playing some video games when a very beautiful light was seen in the distance. Now, if he was raised in the cold war era he would have known to hide under his desk (how this would protect your ass from a 50 megatomb bomb and biological warfare, I have no idea), but he didn’t.
So then to sum it up. America goes FUCK YEA! on everyone’s asses and sends nukes everywhere in the world. I do quite literally mean everywhere. Of course the famous last words spoken before launching the nukes is said to have been “Hey Jeb, I’ve got a good idea!” (we’re assuming massive amounts of whiskey were involved, but honestly that’s something that may never be known). With the US forgetting it’s lack of resistance to the virus and that dropping nukes all over the world is a bad idea, all human life would be wiped out (hey PETA chill, your precious animals are all right, animals are naturally immune to the virus and minus a gerbil who was going into a very dark stinky hole at the time of the nukes landing and a couple of chupacabras (yes they are real, accept it) the animals are ok) minus a poor shmuck who would soon be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust.
So that’s the events that are soon to take place in your hometown sometime around the late 2012 (presumably December 22nd if for no other reason then to piss off 2012 end of the world believers). However, you’re here probably wanting to know the events of the man who survived this along with the rest of the world (I’m going to assume you’re not a complete jerk off whose making the bet that you’re the one person whose immune and is going to be the guy who survives, well I’ll have you know two important facts that one his name is Steve and two he didn’t read this ahead of time, hence why he didn’t hide under the desk, and you want to know how to prevent this future from happening, well unless you have a DeLorean and a Time Flux Capacitor your kinda screwed buddy, I mean the Time Flux Capacitor is the easy part but where in the name of fuck are you going to find a DeLorean?). Well after the blast, Steve needed to first figure out how to quickly cure radiation burns and poisoning (without the internet and Wikipedia he would have been screwed if not for the large amounts of time he had to travel to where Wikipedia’s servers are and connect directly and no we’re fairly certain Wikipedia has little to do with the end of the world even though everyone knows that by the year 2014 it would have been fed so much knowledge that it would have acquired it’s own self awareness and gone all Terminator over everyone’s asses) which he barely successfully accomplished. It was just unfortunate that Steve was left horribly disfigured and was now the last human being on earth (which even though in retrospect he wished he wasn’t at the time because of his horrific disfigurement he was happy that he didn’t have to explain it to his date along with the bad haircut he got hours early, you know what they say “be careful what you wish for” especially when it’s “I wish the world would end so I wouldn’t be completely humiliated with this haircut for my date tonight” who says wishes don’t come true?).