That Same Ol' Fraudulent Feelin

Been working. Non stop.I've been working. Either it's been at my job or some project. I was in an accident a few days ago. Bike accident. I'm fine. At least I believe I am. There's been non stop agonizing pain for a while now. My should is bruised and my elbow is beyond cut up. Work has been draining me. I have two days off now. I know I should spend it resting, but the ideas in my head keep piling up. So much content needs to be created. I have so much I'm aiming for. So many goals and aspirations. I need to stop, think, rest, relax. I haven't even been able to design a simple website for my fiancee yet, and that's the easiest thing I can do (besides writing simple stories). It's like it's all locked up in there. I had an interesting conversation the other day. I've never been one to share my thoughts and feelings with anyone (not that I've had many to do that with) and the majority of the time I look to the comfort of strangers online. My fiancee and I made a breakthrough and progress in my own mental health. I feel the ability to confide in a real person. Sounds silly, but unless you know the absolute fear present when you're alone most of your life to have a true relationship and to open up completely... then you will never understand these words. Hopefully she's right and the things I've been seeing are just my stressed out brain. So why did she also see the shadow in the hotel that one night? We have similar issues and both have stress. God I just don't know right now. I'm just ranting about nothing it seems. I need some rest. I think a major issue I have is my lack of dedication and direction I have with this blog. I feel fraudulent sometimes I guess. I just don't want to think about it I suppose. I'll have something really good to post by Monday. Along with some... I don't know. Anyway Here's a short story...

It was about 11:30 last night. She wasn't feeling well but none the less a bike ride to the bar to try and relax seemed like the best idea possible. The previous week and even day was excruciatingly difficult. A few beers would have to calm us down. I mean, I can't. I can't even begin to fathom what could have happened. Or even why. This is crushing me. I was in front of her. It was dark sure, but it wasn't like we were biking down a dirt road with no lights or houses. It was the middle of town. As I was riding I heard the click clack of a bike that needed some grease, or oil, or whatever it might be. It's just really difficult to think that she's gone. I'm trying to pull myself together to tell you. It's incredible, this story I know, but I need someone to believe me. I just lost the love of my life damnit! All right give me a second to calm down...

You know how kids are afraid of the dark? I know this is a bit of a tangent but in order to understand the rest of what I have to say you must listen to this. What if what parents put off as an overactive imagination was real? If there was more to the darkness? If the imagination was more just images created by the brain and it was a gateway? That's why I believe this is my fault. They knew I had knowledge on them and the time was coming close to me finally doing something about them…

I don't need you judging me. I know I have enough problems mentally, but I would never hurt her. I have nothing to do with her disappearance. Before we left, I was researching paranormal phenomena and horror stories. My mind craves it. She always warned me it was too much, that I was too sensitive. I think part of her was afraid of me finding myself in too deep with something terrible. She warned me. SHE WARNED ME! It should have been me. God, why her? I need a minute...

I'm all right to continue. I was reading about shadows and creatures that live inside them. There are so many stories about how children have perfect vision and the only defense is to lose that sight and forget the nightmares. Those who don't, well either they are considered crazy or just vanish. Well I wrapped things up and before we left something moved in the corner of my eye, just a shadow. I've seen them before. I've always attributed it to my overactive imagination. I should have known. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!

I'm relaxed now. Well as I was saying, she was in back. As we were biking I mean. It wasn't even a mile away. Maybe two. I was never good with distance or time. I yelled back to her "ARE YOU OK?" she didn't answer but I heard the click clack of the bike. So I kept going. I should have stopped sooner though. I looked back and couldn't see her even though I heard the bike so I stopped. As I stopped I saw to the side a shadow. There wasn't anyone out. I know there wasn't. It was too tall to be a normal human's shadow. It was much darker then any normal shadow. I stayed at it. I thought I saw a glimmer of red where its eyes would be but I heard a scream and turned by head. There was the bike, but she was gone. She was gone. Gone...

The shadow. It was gone too. It thought it was me. It knew I could see it? WHY WOULD IT TAKE HER INSTEAD? I'm not crazy. I swear I'm not. It was real. On the way here I saw the shadows, more. Of course no one will believe me. Not unless you indulge yourselves in the morbid and unreal. I did and this is where I am for it.

That’s why it was there. It knew I could do that, and it knew I enjoyed it. I’m sure there’s more then just one. I don’t know though. Shadow people, boogeymen, demons, there’s so many names for them. All I know is that they are real. They need us to survive. Don’t laugh. I’ve been laughed at all my life! I’m not crazy… I just need to… I need to get her back. She was my love. We were going to get married… God why…

Please I need to get her back. The shadows... I think I can fight them. I just need time alone, in the dark. I know how to get there. It's easy, anyone can find them. Children do it all the time. All you have to do is sit in the dark quietly for a few minutes... hey! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? DON'T LEAVE! I'M NOT READY TO FACE THEM! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!

That was the end of the interview tape. The officers left the room to discuss the unusual case and call the aid of a mental health council to get an opinion while locking the young man in the room alone. Examination of the tape shows the door shutting and lights going out without cause and after a few minutes the door is opened but the officers could not find the young man anywhere. Instead of alerting any public to the mysterious circumstances surrounding the case it is advised that any information regarding the case be filed away without any questions asked. It will be hard for the families but for safety measures they will be informed simply that the young man (evidentially disturbed) escaped police custody and a continuing effort is being put forward to find the missing young woman.

Official Police Transcript Dated 6/8/06, two days after the original report. There is no record of continued effort or reappearance of the suspect or the young woman. Officers involved with the case have refused to comment and have since left the force. It’s important to note that there are quite a number of unsolved disappearances a year. The truth behind the case may never truly be known.

Kicked in

Adderall is finally kicking in. Not feeling as depressed or... far gone... Xanax helps too I'm going to be away for a few days. I need to recover from this place. Something just botrs me here. No I'm not pulling a Jay (props for those who get the reference) just... I'll still be working and need to set upa definite plan of action for all hte project I have going on. Don't think I haven't given up on the 52 stories idea... I just... need some time for other things and to figure "certain" things out. Also promised my fiancee I'd help her start an online art gallery for her work so that may take some time. I really need to get my act together, drugs or no drugs, it's still stressful. I suppose that's true for everyone though. Just wait until the next post though...

A Collaboration

Woke up.... took the adderall... work today. I hate work. I just feel like I can't. I can't be a burden either. Need to get ready for school in the fall. Missed my Doctor's appointment. Need a psychologist too. I'm sitting on my balcony. At least it's day. At night I swear I see things from up here. Shadows and strange lights. What if there  is something dark here following me? I don't want to be insane. I need to check all this out tonight. I'll have pictures. My game and documentary needs to get made along with some stories. Adderall hasn't kicked in. SO my mind is everywhere. Am I the same person when I'm on it? If it's not real will I miss the delusions? At least no Pyramid head in my dreams. Worried about my fiancee...

These are a series of poems that were a collaboration between my fiancee and I... I need to get my head out of whatever fog it is and work on something new...

A dark hymn flows through the air

I glance to see if anyone else does hear

It's apparent the haunting tune plays solely in my mind

It's like the music in a movie that warns you that trouble is close behind

And yet as if welcoming it I blissfully do not hinder it's bind

For since my loss there is no equal worry

And oddly the melody comforts me

At the edge of insanity

Where only a small breeze would send me off completely

Somehow, something unseen

Is holding ever so gently

If only I knew what

Or who

Cared enough to save me

A hallway with locked doors

Would it even matter if I knew which one was yours

Even worse so there are many seperate floors

I know I have it in me to find what I came here looking for

I just prefer working beside you as it was before

Without you I keep finding myself with new sores

Funny how love only hurts when it's no longer yours

How I curse my mind's corridors

Isn't it ironic I find myself in such metaphors

How fickle time is and just like a flame

It dances and bellows it's just a shame

That change is it's game

And the problem with games is the rules never change

Yet we're a race constantly evolving

And learning new ways of cheating

Anything for a better chance of winning

We are continuously forsaking

No one ever asked us if we wanted to play

So of course we feel we deserve a say

But time is never ending and we have an expiration date

There in lies humanity's saving grace that it never gives into fate

Much like a powerful blow to the face

Reality is always there to hit you and remind of the constant paper chase

So why is it so wrong some people can find that saving grace

Or be jealous of those who have nothing but time to waste

Is it a surprise this society is based on addiction and making haste

We're not individuals we're just there to take the previous person's place

So when is it we get to set our own pace

How do people enjoy life when they don't get a break from this rat race

Walking amongst the mountains out west

Fearful of the magnitude that they possess

For if I lose my way if they ever find my body is anyone's guess

You would think this would amount to a lot of stress

But this is only true if a weak soul you possess

For the beauty and the spirituality that these peaks embody

While filling my soul with the works of Frost

I wonder at the cost

Of humanity's seperation from mother nature's theator

How long can our race survive living at odds with our creator

No matter how hard people try to convince themselves

Humanity forgetting who was always by it's side

Men beliving that they are free to commit matricide

Committing those who oppose their breathen's ideals

They too will be condemned in the end

For each species we endanger

We bring ourselves one step closer

To an epic disaster

That will end our rain of destruction

Caused by our own construction

Staring out the window on the passenger side

Focusing on the rain crashing down on the window pane

Watching beads of water gather and get stronger

Until the weight pulls them down in a quick stream of water

And just stops and goes back to being a small bead

Pyramid head

I must be tired. The cuts on my hand... they look strange too me. I took adderall again today. It subdued the depression and lack of sanity I've been feeling lately. I need to stay on it. I've all ready been to that other side. My only fear remains... what if it isn't my imagination? What if I'm not crazy? There are things we can't explain. Maybe the depression and anxiety I feel is a punishment for something I did. I have been having bizarre dreams, one of the most bizarre was being locked in an abandoned warehouse, zombies and monsters running amock. And who comes along. FUCKING. PYRAMID. HEAD. What if there's more to dreams then just random images from our daily lives or our minds trying to tell us something? What if there's a connection? My mind... I don't know where it is anymore. I'll post writing up later I guess...

Doctors office

At the doctors office. Not for me but my fiancee. Really wish I had a smartphone and her windows7 phone had a blogspot app.  I should probably be seeing him too but I don't have the financial means to. Even if I did would I want to ignore it? What if this is all real and not just In my head. I can't risk it though. Just a couple more nights without sleep then i should be better. The injuries are not any better but need to grin and bare it. I dont want any of this. She's my last thread to this nightmare called reality. Someone help!

WHAT IS THIS?

Ok seriously after my last post I found this on my desktop. What the hell is it. Definitely not assisting with my current paranoria and anxiety. Anyone have any idea?

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Crashing

They say that when someone you love is danger, you know it. You feel it. That's how she felt yesterday. I've been feeling the same. However, yesterday I crashed my bike. I'm pretty beat up but ok. I got out of work yesterday. I felt so sore this morning, I tried getting out of work. They weren't too happy. I stayed home. Now I'm in fear of losing my life line right now. I mean if they wanted to fire me they would have right? I can't afford to lose this job. Why do things like this have to be a burden. If I'm not anxious about work, it's something else. On my bike I looked to the side and saw someone coming so I swerved and hit the ground hard. When I looked for the person, they weren't there. This isn't the first time something like this has happened either.Ever get a chill for no reason and the wind seems to stop? Something weird is happening. Not too mention the sharp pain in my sides. Those scares me, whenever that happens something bad seems to occur. I'm praying I'm looking too much into this. I really hope I'm not losing touch with reality. I  can't, I need to work, go to school. I can't be crazy or mental. I can handle the depression and occasional ADD but something else weird is going on. Anyone familiar with Celebration Florida or the surrounding area? It belonged to Disney and any history that may be dark is tightly under wraps. I want to know, but I can't let my focus stray to that. I have too many other things on my mind right now. Even with financial help it would only be a start to assisting with other things. I'm tired of this. It's like there's something here. I can't even think. My mind is out of control. Someone help...

Dreamwalkers

Ok seriously, what the fuck. I just vied my post. That's not the story I meant to post up. In fact, that's a story idea I've been working on, I started to write it... I need to go out and take pictures of the lake and the surrounding area. It is my story, but... I don't know. Maybe that is what I copy and pasted without realizing, but I just posted it and I know I have highlighted text elsewhere. This is weird guys and especially since I haven't received a response about the glitch between scanning a picture and actually viewing it. Does anyone know how that could possibly happen? Maybe I do need to be on a steady dose of adderall. It probably is just my memory. The other day my fiancee and I got a little heated because I thought I told her something important and she swears that it's not what happened. The details though... Guh, I don't know, definitely not helping with the current stress I'm feeling hahaha... Guh... anyway here's the story I meant to post. It's not complete and a work in progress so let me know how you feel about it thus far. Thanks guys...

                The shot rang out in the still autumn air. Standing there dumbfounded, he looked at the body. Whoever this person was, they were lying on their back. The only sound that existed was the crunching of leaves as he stepped closer and closer to the body. Each slight crackle was like an explosion going off. It was bizarre that the noise of each leaf was greatly louder than the bullet firing and exploding leaving the barrel of the semi automatic pistol. When the body was within range of him being able to touch it, he hesitated. Was it over? Was this whole experience ended? Two more blaring pulls to the trigger just to insure it, to make sure the head was split wide open. With a sigh he turned around and slowly began moving away. That’s when he heard it. Cackling. It was impossible. Three shots, no man could potentially survive that. All most as if the body had heard the thought of shear shock and awe of his thoughts the body, no longer just a body simply stated “It’s not over just yet”.

                Alex woke up, another failed attempt at a lucid dream. The failures kept piling up, his subconscious a consistent battle field. Waking life was a far more dreaded nightmare. Reality is nothing more than world full of anger, hatred, rape, murder, torture, injustice, could one be blamed for trying to be a dream walker?  A rare specimen indeed and ever since hearing the term he longed to join them in their peaceful days creating a utopia. The only issue was that not all dream walkers looked for a pleasant escape. Many knew the ins and outs of the subconscious, exploring and exploiting others dreams affecting both the waking life and the dream world.

                It takes nothing special to be a dream walker. Just an imagination and the knowledge of infinite possibilities and the acceptance that dreams are a reality in and of themselves. When you dream, those people that you see walking, they don’t know they are just a figment of your imagination. No, their not even a figment. They exist and the moment you wake up you have just caused a massive genocide against an entire society of people. Don’t let that worry you though. The dreamwalkers have refugee camps for the poor lost souls that you cause to lose every night. The dream walkers, the benevolent ones anyway, are your guardians. You don’t even know they exist. Some don’t want anything more then to just sleep and live in their created worlds. To them, to us dreams are far greater then reality. Alex knows this and that’s what he’s striving for. This is his story of trying to become one. This is a story of infinite possibilities and the constant struggle of good versus evil. And most importantly, this isn’t a story. This is happening as we speak.

                It all begun when Alex was a child. Seen as an emotionally disturbed young boy just because he believed in what others considered insane. Insane because he knew all folklore and legends and myths stem from some truth. Knowing that the one place he could escape to that would never judge him would be his dreams, but without control they could be a nightmarish world as well. Unless you have ever confused dreams with reality or vice versa, the honest truth is you have no inkling of what it’s like. What it’s like to be labeled as what you, a dreamer, and looked down on it. To have your only escape also be a potential prison. To see the figures from you dreams follow you. Alex knows though, he always has.

                Not all lucid dreamers are dream walkers though. And not all dreams can be lucid. And not all reality can be dreams. And not all dreams can be reality. To even begin an endeavor such as this you must see the other side of the world. A side most go about day by day ignoring because people are too caught up in their own self important lives. Too busy calling those with hope fools because they are afraid to change and try to make things better themselves. The dream walkers have a name for these people. They are simply shadows.

                The man in Alex’s dream is unknown to him and is unique to him. In fact he is a unique specimen. Shadows fear what they don’t know or understand. They despise dream walkers for their abilities to be unaffected by the chains of material possessions, to be unafraid of death, to be open to new ideas. So they hire stalkers. Stalkers are normally hired by shadows to destroy a dreamwalker.  Sometimes physically, and sometimes worse. There is a greater sin then murder and that is the destruction of hopes and dreams and that’s what these demons do. Once dreamwalkers themselves, denying the lifestyle being drugged back in by mother culture. Wanting the material world over the endless love that they themselves could experience. Alex has the misfortune of facing one of the most dreaded, and without being a full dreamwalker, he barely stands a chance.

                If the story seems out of place thus far, as if the events are thrown together, one explanation leaping to another, you must understand that this is a dream. When you dream do you remember how you got from one place to another? Just like what you consider the real world, the dream world (which is the real world to us dream walkers) has it’s own set of rules. There are no societal rules, but the mind self imposes rules. However it is said that a day will come when a dreamwalker powerful enough will overcome those rules and do far more then ever imagined or before conceived. Before that day though the rules are simple. One cannot dreamwalk while on drugs. It is impossible. Being on drugs is being in a dream so when you drug yourself and sleep it is reality. Secondly, going into another’s dream is quite limited. To enter another’s dream without permission is accomplishable, but quite difficult and frowned upon. Third, to dream within a dream, while not totally unattainable, is not easily manageable.  Fourth, it is important to understand that within your own dream you are god. You control every little even that occurs, whether consciously or otherwise. To understand the limitations of having no limits is a lesson one must learn otherwise potentially suffer vast consequences.

                The dreamwalkers have their own set of rules. No one may enter another’s dream with given permission. Once dreamwalking is mastered, there are virtually nothing that is impossible. Hardwiring the subconscious is as simple as knowing what areas to look for. That’s why it is vastly important for a dreamwalker to know how to protect their own mind from others.